Thursday, November 22, 2007

All of a Piece

Well. Grieving. But I suppose I can, I suppose I must, take this as a gift. And the only way to do that is to take it as the invitation to make my life all of a piece.

A life with no hidden parts. With no reservations. No secret clauses in its treaties. No escape hatches. To be only and completely what I appear to be.

It will not be easy. I can feel already the stirrings of the temptations to seek out a new secret life. At present -- in the clarity offered by grief -- I can see them vividly, in all their grotesquerie. But the grief will fade, and so will the clarity. I must seal it with practice.

I don't think I could live through this again. I really don't. I'm too old. The stress of holding two loves was going to break me.

I will deny nothing, close no door, repudiate no one. We do the best we can, and we love who we love.

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