This business of pretending not to believe -- like a scientist who devotes his life to discovering what is true, and pretends not to believe in truth -- that's what's exhausting. And that's why I called it quits with Buddhism: the fact is that Buddhists believe in reincarnation, and I do not. Buddhists believe in a pure realm, and aspire to it, and I do not. There are all kinds of ways to practice as a Buddhist without believing those things, but you finally end up like the scientist who purports not to believe in truth: your whole life is a tottering, jury-rigged house built on nothing, and you could wake up tomorrow with the walls fallen down and the wind whistling through. I think it's better for the scientist to admit he believes in truth, and it's better for me to admit I'm no Buddhist.
There are (at least) two ways to go wrong here. One is to say, I know so little, why not accept my ignorance and practice with whatever group may be handy? And the other is to say, I must lay down the total schema of reality and not talk to anyone else until I'm done, and then bustle about with a checklist on my clipboard and see if any church meets my specifications. Both wrong. But what then is to be done? I don't know.
I admire those people who, wherever they are, just walk into the nearest place of worship, of a Sunday, and take up whatever practice is to hand -- confident that if it's God's house God will take care of it, be it church or temple or mosque -- but I don't think I'll ever be one of them.
But though I don't know where I am, or where I am going, I am not lost. Finding my location and my path is not something I have to do before I can take up my work: it is my work.
3 comments:
This speaks to me in many ways, I share your admiration and yet, remain at a loss as to how people can be so certain - if that's what they are.
However, science in my understanding is the testing of theories in search of facts, reproducible facts, based on evidence. Truth is maybe not a term I would use in this context.
The best Buddhists I've known are utterly undogmatic. They don't care what anyone 'believes,' even themselves. They are guided by their own experience, accumulated with the guidance of wise persons who have preceded them on the path.
I think you can be thoroughly atheist, agnostic, skeptical, and unbelieving and still be an excellent Buddhist.
I like tours of your brain.
Mine is different. If I've learned anything, it's that I am fundamentally not a seeker. In fact it's hard to figure out WHAT I've been doing with my mind all this time. Whatever this is, it's innate.
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