Thursday, January 28, 2016

Braiding in the Dark

I'm finding odd success with a simplistic shift of mask: when I'm tempted to shirk or procrastinate, I say to myself, "I'm not the person who does that any more. I'm this other person, the person who just gets it done." It's not a question of what I'm going to do, it's a question of who I'm going to be: and it's like flipping a switch. The tug of the other personality is very small: I just walk away from it. 

It is not so simple as that, I'm sure: there is a huge invisible infrastructure supporting each of those persons, and what has really happened is that some critical piece of the get-it-done foundation is finally in place and bearing weight. But it feels simple.

I am braiding something in the dark, my fingers working quickly, skillfully. But I don't know how I learned to do it, and I don't know what I'm making.

I take a few deep breaths, and I feel the oxygenated blood washing to every shore of this vast body of mine. I am so glad to be alive, to feel the numbness of the last few years wear off. I am older and grimmer, in some ways, but I'm as fierce as ever. And I care less than ever about keeping up appearances. There's no time for that. I may be rich: but not so rich that I can afford to throw good money after bad. 

2 comments:

Lucy said...

This is helpful.

Dee Hiatt said...

Your thoughts transfer to my interior where they speak and I hear.