Monday, September 01, 2014

In The Doorway

No: I've said it the wrong way, or at the wrong time, or wearing the wrong mask. Whether it's true is actually not particularly an issue, if the other criteria for right speech are not met. Walk it back, erase it, start over, read and listen and think.

I feel as though I had been repeatedly kicked in the face (or sometimes the stomach, or sometimes the balls) and I was kicking back, as one does. But one does not have to believe in oneself. I am horrified, horrified, horrified by my friends, sometimes. All the more reason to shut up, sit tight, gather more info, mull it over. What are friends for, if not to kick you?

And of course the real sources of my vulnerability are deeper and more troubling. Never have I been more aware, painfully aware, of the crookedness of my relationship with the world. So many things I must feel and not say, so many caveats and trapdoors. And in the meantime minutes, hours, days, years, even decades trickle away. I am awkwardly placed in the doorway, where everyone has to apologize to me as they squeeze by. It's one thing for a cat: a grown man, and a stout one at that, is supposed to handle his bulk more conveniently.

And in the meantime, the rage of the world goes on, without missing a beat. It's the relentlessness that's so wearing: that and -- at this age -- knowing that it's not going to stop.


Zhoen said...

What are friends for, if not to kick you? Friends like that, I'll go off alone.

Friends are for keeping people from kicking you. Telling the truth without kicking.

elizhalladay said...

Sometimes it's a kick (from friend or foe) that wakes us up, or keeps us awake.

rbarenblat said...

"The wrong way, or at the wrong time, or wearing the wrong mask" -- I know that feeling.

And I know what it's like to be orthogonal to the rest of the world.

I want to hear anything you have to say, anything you feel. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Dale said...

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one, Zhoen :-)

Dale said...

Elizabeth, yes!

Dale said...

Thanks, Rachel! You know me, I can never keep my mouth shut for long in any case :-) xoxoxo

Zhoen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristen Burkholder said...

brief reprieves. That's all we get. Brief moments. Then, choices.
As they say in Monty Python "START AGAIN "
I'm with Zhoen, friends tell the truth without kicking.

Dale said...

Oh, nobody has injured me or said anything in malice!