Friday, December 06, 2013

Rising Fish

My friend Lekshe once expressed the wish that my troubles would become so dire they'd drive me back to the cushion. She's a serious-business Dharma girl, not a dabbler.

Snowflakes dart sideways across the douglas firs like swarming insects over a river: I expect some enormous fish to rise out of the ground and snap them up.

Fifteen years before I'm seventy. I have never much minded decades going past, and I've been a little impatient with people who fuss about thirty, forty, fifty. But seventy is a sobering thought: the three score and ten allotted by the Bible. Nowadays, when I find myself dreaming up schemes for a new life and a new way of being, those fifteen years rise like the fish. If all the years hitherto haven't brought the new life, why should the next fifteen do it? Is there time to hammer out a whole new frame? No, this is it, this is my life, to adorn or embellish, but not to really alter. I have set my life upon a cast, and I must stand the hazard of the die.

The phantoms that have crowded so thick begin to disperse, and the light grows: it occurred to me yesterday that there are only two probable turns to my story now, towards joy or towards freedom. There are evil chances, of course: my country has become uglier and less safe than it was. But mostly, the paths lead this way or that. And either way, I'm content.
It tikleth me about the herte roote,
Unto this day it dooth min herte boote,
That I have had my world as in my time.

10 comments:

Sabine said...

You know, 55 is a good moment in time to look both ways. And should this be your birthday, my best wishes! I just turned 56 and can vouch that the 55th year can be full of all sorts of things and events.

Dale said...

:-) thank you dear! No, not my birthday. Just a "midway in my life's journey" moment, some twenty years late. I've always been on the slow side.

rbarenblat said...

Joy and freedom both, I hope. <3

Dale said...

:-) Let's not get greedy!

Kathleen said...

Sobering...and yet uplifting thoughts! (I mean the joy and freedom, not the [rising of] the fish!)

Dale said...

:-)

Theodore Olson said...

I don't have a blog or anything; just a twitter in my 54th year; but I hazard a thank you for these nice musings. Fine work.

Dale said...

Thank you, Theodore!

JMartin said...

V. odd, isn't it? At 45, life seemed full of iterations. At 56, I clean the window smudges left by Death's nostrils. (Ain't no mouth-breather, sez Death.)

I've been calculating a house relocation, rather shocked to find that I've only one move left. A trapped Queen, on a bad square.

Dale said...

Maybe. But a magnificent queen.