Wrestling with strange phantoms of
hatred and baffled pride: rage, and the desire to inflict pain.
There's nothing mysterious about the daily horrors of the world. It's
just this impulse, with a good excuse and the encouragement of a
like-minded group. Nothing more dangerous than a would-be alpha
resentful of obscurity. When I was a young man, these fits would come
upon me with terrifying speed and power: and I had so little skill or
knowledge to help me against them. Good luck, that's what got me
through.
So I wait, and breathe, and have my
coffee. Suburban lawn mowers trumpet and keen, each to each; crows
fume on the wires; cats probe the tall grass and the spaces between
fence palings. I grow old with each passing moment: wrinkling,
shrinking, decaying. The sun blisters and fades the paint on the
walls. I keep hearing, or think I'm hearing, the call of a hungry
young osprey. Absurd, of course: nothing would induce an osprey to
nest here. It must be some other bird. How have I lived so long, to
know so little?
I hold an egg-sized stone in my hand,
smooth and reddish, with a notion of jasper about it. Place it on my
book. My shoulders hunch, and I seem to myself to be rotting, rotting
in place. I give up, and dive for the shadow. Next time. Something
more, something less. At least, pray God, something other.
5 comments:
We are all, moment by moment, growing toward death, and yet there is on the other hand for many of us a call to be fully alive in each moment. I would guess that your determined honesty and revelation, your powerful doubts, your comparisons of yourself young and older, and your sense of of the whole world collapsing and changing with you is part of the answer to that call.
Maybe that egg will hatch... Into a poem, perhaps, or very different thoughts.
Hmm...I am wondering, with what you wrote, if you already know the Osprey. However, in the event that you do not, here is a link to the totem...http://speakerfortheanimals.blogspot.com/2006/07/osprey-guide-of-lovers-and-heartsick.html
I haven't worked with this particular animal so, I cannot vouch for the validity of said information. Also, I hissed and wished to send you to another stone. Blue Kyanite popped into my head but I need to venture downstairs to the shelf when I get more tea and refresh me as to its uses. Squinting and frowning at my memory, there is another blue/white marbled-like stone..lepidolite perhaps, I'll get it all once I venture. Oh, look the teacup is empty! I guess I'll do it now.
Ah yes! The blue kyanite should provide ME with a clearer target, both in use and as amplifier of your tag. Lepidolite and Sodalite, I think I would like those touching, or both in your hand or pocket together, left side--never sure why I get a side, I go with it, one works one not so much. I'll work on this and bubble it until after I get your permission and to know if you feel like getting these stones. Feel free to email me if you like.
"diplomats, businesspeople, liars and thieves" -- that's the totem for me! xoxo Thank you dear. No, I knew none of that, though I know the bird itself well: I'm seldom on the Columbia River without seeing them.
Of course I would be grateful!
& thank you, dear Marly! I needed this time of dis-ease and revulsion, I think: for a while the World's blandishments were altogether too convincing :-) xo
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